the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize