Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
