your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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