So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
