yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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