I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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