Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
