Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
