dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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