After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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