I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
