Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
