so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
