She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
