I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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