Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
