I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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