rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
