My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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