I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Oh god it's open bar.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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