guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
