I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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