You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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