Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
