sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
