Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
