I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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