I wannas sexs uuuuu
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize