So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Brb crying the tears of my youth
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
