I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
