Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
