He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
