What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
