im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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