you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize