I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
