This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
