I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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