Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
