I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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