someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
