He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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