If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
