sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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