the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
