I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
