hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
