I think I won the penis lottery.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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