Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
