I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
