sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize