quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
