if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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