No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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