it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
