yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
