1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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