I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
