apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
