On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
