you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
